I jolted awake at exactly 6:00am. After only a few scattered hours of sleep I was filled with enough energy that I could have ran a marathon, and I don't run. Jake and I had offered up a weary prayer just hours before asking the Lord to make it clear if we needed to take further action with our sick 10 month old baby.
Waking me and stirring my heart was my answer to prayer-He made it very clear that I needed to bring her to the emergency room, now. I walked into her bedroom and when I looked into the pain-filled eyes of my moaning, exhausted baby my heart broke for her and I could feel the depth of her discomfort and pain. It made me sick to my stomach. I wished in that moment I could take it all away. I wanted so badly to just breathe health into her small, frail body.
In that moment I was angry with God for not answering my pleas of restored health. Why would a compassionate, loving God allow this innocent baby to be in pain? I have complete faith that He can heal in a blink of an eye, that's what I've prayed for and believed in, so why hadn't He done that? I'm suppose to pray expectedly, right? I prayed scriptures like Mark 11:24 and Matthew 21:22 claiming and believing that Annabelle would be healed and still she lay there miserable. Sure, it didn't seem life threatening and there are more serious health scares than this but surely God is faithful to the broken prayers of a weary mom, right?
The doubt began to spin me in circles.
I was quickly gathering our things and preparing to drive her to the hospital while spinning with these thoughts, these desperate prayers. When suddenly I stopped. Physically as well as my swirling emotions stood still without a motion to be felt. I did all I could think and muster up to do, I whispered the name, Jesus. In the dark of the night where everything feels more urgent and scary, I whispered the name of my savior and my soul was still. I was no longer swirling with worries and doubt. I no longer cared about the why's or how's but instead I repeated Jesus over and over until my faint whispers became praises rolling off my tongue. I praised Him for answering my prayer and waking me when my sweet girl needed me most. I praised Him for having authority over heaven and earth and knowing that He is sitting high above on the throne. I was overwhelmed with truths of who He is. Nothing slips through His fingers. He is not concerned about my sick baby's future, He holds it in His hands. He is not worrying about what could be going on inside her body, He formed her body in my womb. He is not overwhelmed with how to care for her, He is her Father and her Great Physician. He is not counting the ounces she has or has not drank in the past 24 hours, He is the living water and bread of life.
And so my praise continued all the way to the hospital. I was singing aloud in my minivan to worship music. I was flooded with Bible verse after Bible verse of how faithful and present and sovereign He is.
My words fail me when trying to describe moments like this. Moments where my God is so close that in the midst of my deepest worry, I am filled with peace.
I see myself in my sick little Annabelle. I see how certain seasons of life can leave me feeling frail and vulnerable. In many ways I am in one of those seasons right now. A season of waiting. A season of wondering why God hasn't rescued us from certain difficult things. How could a good God leave me laid bare on the floor pleading and questioning His will for my life? Why hasn't He taken the struggle away? Why is it so hard to just fight for life with Jesus? Why can't my body, my faith walk, be easier? Just as I imagine my Annabelle not understating why her body is struggling to regain health and feel vibrant and whole again.
There will be times in our lives when all we have strength for is a faint whisper of Jesus. Attached to the breathe of that name will likely be doubt, worry, uncertainty, fear, insecurity and many other weights in which we need not explain to the God of the Universe. He is grace and grace knows no bounds. He is just as pleased to hear a whisper from our weak selves as He is to hear shouts in our greatest moments of strength.
My little Annabelle is still fighting illness. It is not life threatening and although she is miserable with pain, I know God is holding her frail body with strength and warmth. He is near to a mother's heart and my heart is trusting His presence beside her.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 reminds us to Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. It can be one of the greatest challenges to yield to this command but it also offers one of the greatest rewards. It takes our focus off of what's stuck right in front of our face and allows God the room to show us what is eternal and bigger than what we are up against. This verse is a clear reminder that we can know with confidence that rejoicing is always the will of God. If ever we are doubting how to respond or pray, we just need to dig deep and praise Him for something, anything, and He is more than capable of meeting us and taking us the rest of the way.
In love,
Chels
No comments:
Post a Comment