addicted to acceptance

Let me just start by saying that I'm passionate about transparency. That means honest, raw, authentic living and not wearing a mask to cover up. I am on a journey with Jesus and I look messy a lot. He is working it out. That's what I am here to write about. Whatever He asks, where I am, knowing it's all a journey of growing deeper with Him...
 
In my last post Stuck I wrote that I was having a hard time getting my thoughts out and onto the pages of this blog. I kept writing, deleting, re-writing, deleting and I just couldn't get it right. Well, this is the post. This is what I was wrestling with. Now I see that I wasn't ready before. I didn't know it then but I was going to be knocked on my butt in a way that would force me to be more real, more vulnerable, more transparent with you. Keep reading and you'll learn why.
 

The plain truth is that I've been addicted to acceptance from other people. I have longed deeply to avoid 'waves' in any of my relationships (although the same thing applies to anyone at all whether I know them or not). I'm fine with confrontation, in fact I believe in the freedom hard conversations give to a relationship, but I struggle to my core if I think that in any way someone walks away from me feeling pretty much anything negative-you can fill in the blank (disappointed, hurt, frustrated...).

I clearly remember a conversation I had with my mom at the tender age of 15. I sat on the edge of my bed spilling words of deep hurt as she wiped my tears away and reminded me that just because another girl called me a few nasty 4-letter words does not mean those words define who I am or even that I have done anything wrong. It was hard for me to accept that truth then, and its still hard today. I didn't do anything wrong to that girl, unless dating a boy she liked was wrong, but still, I couldn't bear the thought of someone being unhappy with me. I didn't even know her. I just wanted her to like me, or at the very least not think badly of me.

Pride can definitely play a role in the struggle I have but what I'm learning is that the deeper root is that I have a heart idol of wanting to be accepted and affirmed by other people. I recently joined a group of women to go through a Bible study by Dee Brestin called "Idol Lies". It was scary obvious right away that I have been desiring other people to be pleased with me more than I have desired God. Ouch. Not something that's easy to admit. Not to myself and not to you. But it's true. I have anchored so much of my life in how other people will respond or what they'll think that I've been keeping that at the top of my priority list. For me it's not really about what I'm wearing or my bad complexion or a few extra pounds, it's the inward stuff that shakes me. I desire so deeply to chase after Jesus and live for Him that the idea of someone feeling like I've done anything but love them and extend grace just about kills me.

The desire is good but I have taken it and distorted it and it's a problem.

 

The problem with this is that I'm fully human. Measuring myself by my own unrealistic expectations is a recipe for failure and then add in the weight I put on others opinions and I might as well not get out of bed each day. Seriously. Kind of dramatic, I know, but you get the point. As my good friend Ashley reminds me, "I'm to be continued..." meaning that I am a work in progress and not going to get it all right and that is okay. I need to release it to God and allow Him to work in me while working through me. We don't need to have 'arrived' at some super-natural perfect state in order to be 'good enough' or 'usable' by Him. In fact, it's the process of Him using us and us choosing to step out in faith and live for Him that He will likely do His deepest work in us. Like this blog. It's not meant for me to write perfect words all the time. It's meant to be a place for me to talk about where I'm at. Real stuff. Not fake I've-got-it-all-figured-out stuff. Because, well, I don't.
 

I see every failure and shortcoming under a magnifying glass and it fuels me to constantly work on myself. It's a good thing to be honest about where we are and seek God for growth BUT it is not a good thing when we lose sight of who God says we are in Him. He doesn't expect perfection. He wants us to rest in the grace He's already given us.

I had a painful reminder of what my heart idol looks like just a few days ago.

Honestly, it sucked.

It's still raw.

After my last post I was criticized by a couple women for what I wrote. They chose to pick apart some of my words and be clear that they didn't agree. It hurt. It was hard. The reason I'm sharing this with you is because it was a recent, real life example of how I am so overly concerned of what people think. To be told I lack true humility and I wasn't really serving Jesus selflessly rocked me to my core. Not because I think I have mastered either of those areas, nor will I ever, but because I've been asking God to refine those very areas of my life right now. I cried for like 2 hours and literally lost sleep over it and spent the next day feeling emotionally drained and weary. A couple of my dear godly friends encouraged me in ways I didn't deserve but needed. They didn't try to pump up my ego and tell me I'm awesome but they spoke truth into my life about who I am in Christ and that I didn't need to live in fear about others point of view of me. Did I mess up? Maybe. Maybe my post wasn't really written how I meant it to come across. But that doesn't mean I need to sink of feelings of condemnation and defeat. I'm not saying I should go out there and not care about what other people say, there are so many nuggets of wisdom we can gain by hearing others, what I am saying is that I need to first find my identity in Christ and stand firm on that and then I can go on and receive criticism through His ears and eyes, instead of my own. Because my own would take it and turn every word into believing that's who I am. When really, I am His. I am forgiven. I am loved by the Creator of the universe. I sin but I am held by His grace and forgiveness. He doesn't see me as my mistakes. He doesn't see me how other people do.

 

Even now as I type I can feel the tension of wanting to delete this post because it makes me vulnerable and anytime we put ourselves out there we are opening ourselves up to opinions and sometimes that includes negative criticism. 

I'm still in process. I'm still learning how to fully live in my identity as Christ's daughter. I'm still a mess some days. I sin a lot. I say things wrong. I can lack grace and humility. I also love Jesus. I desire to put to death my sinful self daily so that I can live for Him and love His people for Him and His glory alone.

My desire is that I never offend anyone or give them a reason to criticize me but my greater desire is to run hard after Jesus and trust that He will refine my heart so that I can live out Romans 12-loving, sacrificing and living at peace with everyone.

I've been thinking about the cardboard testimonies that have been popular in recent years. In fact, our church did it during a service and my husband and I made a sign about where our marriage had been and how God restored it. It's a powerful visual. I think if I could make another sign right now it would say this...(side 1) "living in fear of what other people think" (side 2) "choosing daily to live fully in my God-given identity." (If you haven't seen this before there are some great videos on youtube. Just type in cardboard testimonies)

 

^"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin." Romans 6:6-7

I am beyond grateful to those who pour truth into me and allow me space to grow and mature and let God flesh out the 'junk'.

Thank you for your grace in my life.

Chels


As I wrote this I was listening to Remind me who I am (Jason Gray) and Pieces (Meredith Andrews). So encouraging and inspiring to have songs that speak truth over people!

Stuck

I've been feeling stuck lately. I've written, deleted and re-written the same blog post on the same topic like a million times the past couple weeks. The right words just won't come. My thoughts aren't making their way through my fingers and onto the pages of this screen.
 
And it's really frustrating.
 
Maybe I shouldn't blog. Maybe I don't have anything to say-not really, not important stuff. Nobody reads it-nobody cares. What if it's a waste of precious energy and time. What if blogging really is for the well spoken, large vocabulary, book writing kind of people. You know, the people who have half a million followers on facebook and twitter and instagram and any other legal way of 'stocking' people. That kind of person has great things to say. Me? Well, I'm just small and my writing isn't that good.
 
But you know what? It's that very paragraph (^) that confirms I need to be writing. It's those words of self doubt and self pity and feeling insignificant and less than that humbles me and reminds me that if I do write, it needs to matter. Not because I have people following me or wanting to read my words but because God has words to say through each of us. Every working dad, single mom, full-time ministry family, truck driver, nurse, engineer, teacher, stay at home mom, friend, loner, homeless, wealthy, aunt, distant cousin, drug addict, motivational speaker, depressed soul and whoever you can think of in your lovely, brilliant mind-that's who He speaks through.

So, I will keep writing. And when I'm stuck, I'll just keep typing, deleting and re-typing until something makes sense. Until I hear God say, "Hey, that's it girl. Go get it!". Because "go get it" doesn't mean conquer the world like a super hero. Sometimes it's just writing some words on a page that maybe somebody, one-body, connects with.
 
Are you stuck? Is there something you want to do but feel insignificant? I get it. I'm with you.
 
Let's journey forward together friend.
 
Chels
 
p.s. Ann Voskamp has a great post on her blog today. Check it out! http://www.aholyexperience.com/

Permission to not stay where you are: A word to moms

I've noticed something in recent months. There is a trend, especially in the mama-blog sphere, of people writing to send the message love just where you are as a mom. While I often love the message this sends, I'm concerned that we aren't offering an equal message of hope to the other side of it all.

Hear me out.

I am an advocate for being just where you are and not spending our precious, short days beating ourselves up over every lost temper, lack of patience, lack of discernment, poor disciple habits and any other insecurity, fear and worry that plague moms today. I preach the same message over and over. Be where you are. Come as you are. Receive God's grace fully just.as.you.are. That's a truthful, life-giving perspective to have and one that we need to remind each other of-daily.

But what happens when that starts to give us permission to not grow and mature and change as a mom?

Imagine you're having a failure of a day with your kids and you have screwed up for the thousandth time-and it's only noon. You are tired, weary, beaten down and just plain guilt-ridden. You likely need to hear the message of God's grace. That He has given you your children despite your downfalls and that you are enough. HE is enough. But what if you are going about your day and you feel that small, still voice prompting you to fight hard. To pursue growth as a mom. To not settle for mediocre and 'just surviving'. To press into the mom God wills you to be. The mom that holds tightly to the grace of God while holding tightly to the power of change through God.

How much more empowered would we be if we didn't make excuses for our anger saying it's 'just where we're at' but instead we pray minute by minute when our pulse rises claiming that we are filled with the fruit of the spirit (Ephesians 5:22-23) and we just need to call on it. What if the conviction we sense about spending more time in the Word isn't brushed off because we are "tired" (and believe me, I am a tired mom right alongside you). Can you even dream with me for a moment how different our days would look if we married disciple and implemented that in our lives with such fierceness that we change just by adopting that one thing alone.

 

Consider how different our friendships with other moms could look if we challenged and inspired one another to keep pressing forward in growth just as much as we preach grace. I'm coming to see how we need both. Not from a spirit of condemnation but from a spirit of love and desire to be more like Jesus. A desire to not settle in the dust and sink in self-acceptance which the world so readily preaches to us. Instead, desiring to press into the potential of the mom we can be if we look beyond the fog of exhaustion and challenges of toddler fits and burden of every meal and defeat of 'just getting through the day'.



I DO NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL GUILTY. Please hear my heart on this one. I'm not writing to tell  you that you aren't good enough. You are. God says you are loved and cherished. And when our children are young there will be plenty of days and weeks where we are 'just getting through the day' and it is enough. But let's resolve not to let those days turn into years and swallow up the precious years we have with our children. It's easy to look back when they're grown and wish we'd put one more ounce of energy into pursuing God deeper in our role of motherhood. I don't want to do that. I want to look back and say that I messed up a lot, had some seasons of 'just surviving' but that I didn't give up on pursuing to be more. I didn't quietly sink into a habit of being lazy in my pursuit of growth. Instead I pressed on always seeking God for how I could grow and love my children more fully like Jesus.

Isn't that what this life is really about? Being more like Jesus. Living in such a way that we look different to other people. We don't have to settle into the 'every mom struggles with this so I'll commune with them on it' mentality. Let's be set apart. Let's be honest, transparent and genuine while doing it but let's be a light in motherhood.

I believe we need to be a generation of moms, of women, who choose possible over comfortable.

I believe we need to be okay with the laundry piling up but not be okay with an idol heart.

Loving you right where you are equally as where you will be,

Chelsia



Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)