In my last post Stuck I wrote that I was having a hard time getting my thoughts out and onto the pages of this blog. I kept writing, deleting, re-writing, deleting and I just couldn't get it right. Well, this is the post. This is what I was wrestling with. Now I see that I wasn't ready before. I didn't know it then but I was going to be knocked on my butt in a way that would force me to be more real, more vulnerable, more transparent with you. Keep reading and you'll learn why.
I clearly remember a conversation I had with my mom at the tender age of 15. I sat on the edge of my bed spilling words of deep hurt as she wiped my tears away and reminded me that just because another girl called me a few nasty 4-letter words does not mean those words define who I am or even that I have done anything wrong. It was hard for me to accept that truth then, and its still hard today. I didn't do anything wrong to that girl, unless dating a boy she liked was wrong, but still, I couldn't bear the thought of someone being unhappy with me. I didn't even know her. I just wanted her to like me, or at the very least not think badly of me.
Pride can definitely play a role in the struggle I have but what I'm learning is that the deeper root is that I have a heart idol of wanting to be accepted and affirmed by other people. I recently joined a group of women to go through a Bible study by Dee Brestin called "Idol Lies". It was scary obvious right away that I have been desiring other people to be pleased with me more than I have desired God. Ouch. Not something that's easy to admit. Not to myself and not to you. But it's true. I have anchored so much of my life in how other people will respond or what they'll think that I've been keeping that at the top of my priority list. For me it's not really about what I'm wearing or my bad complexion or a few extra pounds, it's the inward stuff that shakes me. I desire so deeply to chase after Jesus and live for Him that the idea of someone feeling like I've done anything but love them and extend grace just about kills me.
The desire is good but I have taken it and distorted it and it's a problem.
I see every failure and shortcoming under a magnifying glass and it fuels me to constantly work on myself. It's a good thing to be honest about where we are and seek God for growth BUT it is not a good thing when we lose sight of who God says we are in Him. He doesn't expect perfection. He wants us to rest in the grace He's already given us.
I had a painful reminder of what my heart idol looks like just a few days ago.
Honestly, it sucked.
It's still raw.
After my last post I was criticized by a couple women for what I wrote. They chose to pick apart some of my words and be clear that they didn't agree. It hurt. It was hard. The reason I'm sharing this with you is because it was a recent, real life example of how I am so overly concerned of what people think. To be told I lack true humility and I wasn't really serving Jesus selflessly rocked me to my core. Not because I think I have mastered either of those areas, nor will I ever, but because I've been asking God to refine those very areas of my life right now. I cried for like 2 hours and literally lost sleep over it and spent the next day feeling emotionally drained and weary. A couple of my dear godly friends encouraged me in ways I didn't deserve but needed. They didn't try to pump up my ego and tell me I'm awesome but they spoke truth into my life about who I am in Christ and that I didn't need to live in fear about others point of view of me. Did I mess up? Maybe. Maybe my post wasn't really written how I meant it to come across. But that doesn't mean I need to sink of feelings of condemnation and defeat. I'm not saying I should go out there and not care about what other people say, there are so many nuggets of wisdom we can gain by hearing others, what I am saying is that I need to first find my identity in Christ and stand firm on that and then I can go on and receive criticism through His ears and eyes, instead of my own. Because my own would take it and turn every word into believing that's who I am. When really, I am His. I am forgiven. I am loved by the Creator of the universe. I sin but I am held by His grace and forgiveness. He doesn't see me as my mistakes. He doesn't see me how other people do.
I'm still in process. I'm still learning how to fully live in my identity as Christ's daughter. I'm still a mess some days. I sin a lot. I say things wrong. I can lack grace and humility. I also love Jesus. I desire to put to death my sinful self daily so that I can live for Him and love His people for Him and His glory alone.
My desire is that I never offend anyone or give them a reason to criticize me but my greater desire is to run hard after Jesus and trust that He will refine my heart so that I can live out Romans 12-loving, sacrificing and living at peace with everyone.
I've been thinking about the cardboard testimonies that have been popular in recent years. In fact, our church did it during a service and my husband and I made a sign about where our marriage had been and how God restored it. It's a powerful visual. I think if I could make another sign right now it would say this...(side 1) "living in fear of what other people think" (side 2) "choosing daily to live fully in my God-given identity." (If you haven't seen this before there are some great videos on youtube. Just type in cardboard testimonies)
"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin." Romans 6:6-7
I am beyond grateful to those who pour truth into me and allow me space to grow and mature and let God flesh out the 'junk'.
Thank you for your grace in my life.
Chels
As I wrote this I was listening to Remind me who I am (Jason Gray) and Pieces (Meredith Andrews). So encouraging and inspiring to have songs that speak truth over people!
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