Coming *ALIVE*

I sat numb in a dark, cold room only light by the warm flicker of the flames radiating from our fireplace. From the deepest cavern of my soul I ask God,

What if I am too weak to ever become who you made me to be? What if I never truly come alive?

There’s an achy pain pulsing throughout my body. One that tells me that physically I can no longer handle the stress and weight. It’s crushing me; this not being alive. It’s no longer just an emotional or spiritual tax, it’s physical.

My mind wanders to the woman at the well. I feel a strange connection to her. The gospels tell us that at the time she met Jesus she had been divorced five times and was living with a man she was not married to. She was not alive, she was dead inside. Dead in the eyes of her people too. But Jesus promises her “living water.” Water that runs through her soul, not just her body. Water that brings life. Water that leaves her satisfied to the end of her days.
 
I want that water. In the dark, early morning hours I plead with God to lift me out of this place and fill me with living, clean, life-giving water. I’m not a bible-intellect so I don’t know the layers of this scripture, but in my raw moment I sensed God showing me that the living water is more than just salvation. His offer is not simply meant to be interpreted or applied in a singular sense. There is more to it.

Water flows through our bodies as a cleansing, purifying source of life. It helps with depression and headaches and to rid us of toxins. It takes physical ailments and directly imparts physical wellness. Doctors regularly advice their patients to drink more water. I allow myself to dream; how can I drink more water of Jesus?
 
There’s a saying, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” This morning my parched heart translates that as, If I am not alive, I cannot give life. Which is why I have journal pages spilling over with a list of all things life demands and offers. I am working on re-prioritizing what is life-giving in my life and what must go because it drains all that is good and holy from me. There will likely be some hard cuts. But if Jesus comes to give us living water then I must believe that it’s not just to make us alive spiritually but alive in all senses of life. Alive in the things that make me, me. After all, the old me is dead and the new is alive. I want to pursue the gravity of this new life.

I wrestle with the idea that we are to be a living sacrifice. In fact, I think the church wrestles with this. I admit to myself that in the past I have taken it to the extreme. I have erroneously thought that if I am to lay my life down for the ultimate cause of humanity, life in Jesus Christ, then that must mean dying (inside). We are to die to our sinful selves, not die at our core. The simple truth is that Jesus never said we are to walk around un-alive. He came to give life in the full. It is for freedom that he set us free. Pondering this my heart warms to the idea that maybe Jesus really does want us to feel alive. And in our time here on earth we need to foster that with intention. In order to feel alive and inspired to be who God made us to be, we must come to the well, like the Samaritan woman and drink life.

Create. Laugh. Adventure. Pursue. Embrace. Inspire.

I can see it now – HOPE. Hope for my soul, and yours. We can be who God made us to be. We can live free and full lives that give life. The life-giving well really is meant for us to receive life. When we receive life then we live life and then we give life.

We were made to create because we were made in the image of the Creator. I need to incorporate more of this, I think to myself. If the desire for adventure surges through your body, then you were made to explore. If order makes you feel grounded, make room for order in your life. I think of those that love to learn, study, teach, write, sing, work with animals, and countless other crevices of who people are. LIFE. LIFE. LIFE. Choose to live in the freedom of what makes you feel alive. That is where we find calling. God loves smiling. It’s okay to feel happy. The gospel I know and live and breathe never commands unhappiness. It commands surrender and allowing God to fill us. This filling from God simply comes down to this, Life.

A life that is filled with life will give life. The message of the gospel is life. So then, I must too find my way to what is life-giving to my soul so that I can give the gospel message with my life.

Facing the not-so-fun-stuff of your calling

Cruising down the road in my mini-van this morning (I realize I start far too many paragraphs that way. I’m hopeful that one day my stories will highlight me racing down the road in an over-the-top-adorable mini cooper instead of barreling on top of concrete in a little bus. But for now, I’ll have to rock it.), my 4 year old daughter and I were discussing all the happenings of kindergarten, which she will get to experience next year. Right alongside her excitement for learning to read and write and such, she listed all the things she is not excited for. Then, much to my surprise, she threw out this little gem,  

“My teacher will also teach me to ride a skateboard mama!”

Uhhhh…..

No sweet thing. You will have fun in your day, no doubt, but learning how to do tricks on a skateboard isn’t quite why we go to school.

Immediately I could sense a lesson to be learned from my cute-but-strange conversation with my daughter. I think that Charlotte’s upcoming school year is like our desire to live out our passions and the callings God places on our lives. My daughter is a fast learner so academics excite her because learning comes natural to her. It invigorates her to be challenged. Much like our natural abilities invigorate us and fuel creativity and fulfillment in our lives. But, what happens when living in those passions requires things that don’t excite us? Like Charlotte, we may not be able to learn how to skateboard while pursuing the callings we have. We may never get famous or recognized at all for what we do. We may have to move to places we don’t (initially) want to and we just may have to do things in general that make us bored, uncomfortable or down-right queasy.

When those unloved tasks come along, it's easy to question why we are doing what we’re doing. On one hand, it’s healthy to be in a state of reevaluation to ensure we are still pursing that which God want’s us to. Sometimes when we find ourselves feeling unsatisfied it’s because God is telling us that it was a great run, but it’s time to move on sister! As Christine Caine says, “If the horse is dead, dismount!” More often than not though, we will find that there are layers to our callings.

Allow me to share a personal example. As a young writer, I have struggled greatly with the idea of needing to build a platform. I’m currently working on writing a book which means that I am facing this issue head on. One of the first questions publishers will ask is, “Do you have a platform? How big?” I have spent the better part of this past year anxious and frustrated over that. I don’t want to build my name. I want to make God’s name famous. Through the gracious work of God, he has shown me that building a platform really has nothing to do with me, after all. Out of obedience and passion to pursue what God has called me to pursue, writing and speaking, I will need to do some things that make me wrestle with God and purpose and destiny and all the things that are wrapped up in this flesh version of myself. By resisting my calling because of something I'm wrestling with, I am resisting my calling. Period. 

I now have a new heart-set. A new mind-set. A new goal-set. My aim is not to make myself famous. My aim is to humbly put my name underneath the name of Jesus so that He can be famous. If putting my name on some social media, marketing or graphic sign “stuff” is part of what I need to do, then okay. I can do that, dear publishers. Not because it jazzes me, but because I believe that God wants to reach this generation in a special way, using the unique avenue of the internet. He gives me words to do that and it’s amazing really that we live in a time that words can reach the world within seconds!

My Charlotte is going to get a taste of what it means to experience the less than exciting tasks of life mixed right in with the cool stuff. I am praying that she would lay under the loving hand of God as she wades those waters. It’s kindergarten now but that is the training ground for the years to come. We will spend many years learning how to balance the thrilling parts of life with the duty-filled parts. It's just a real struggle of life. Instead of wishing away those uncertain or difficult parts, we can move forward with confidence that God will never leave us to figure it out alone. He will provide what we need to accomplish what he wills. Simple truth. Breathe it in and press on, dear sisters.

 

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Reflection

What not-so-fun things are you facing right now in your calling?

Have you hesitated to obey God because you didn't like a piece of your assignment?

How can you walk forward today in pursuing a more faith-filled approached to your calling?

 

When We Get it Wrong - a confession of judgement

Sitting in the dark shadows of my dimly light living room, I began to weep for my hidden sin of judgement. Although not hidden from God, it had been tucked ghostly, quietly, in the crevices of my thoughts. But God, in his loving, just way, pried open my mind and heart to see how deeply I had fallen into the pit of thinking such treacherous thoughts. It makes me tremble just thinking of it now.

Dear friends, I have a feeling you may be able to relate to my sin. I want to ask you the same (hard) questions that God used to shake open my spiritual eyes.

Who have you thought as “unworthy of God?”

Who have you considered “unclean”?

That morning I had been reading in the book of Acts. There is a story in chapters 10 and 11 in which a man named Cornelius was given a divine message by an angel. The Lord said, “Your prayers and gifts to the poor have come up as a memorial offering before God. Now send men to Joppa to bring back a man named Simon who is called Peter. He is staying with Simon the tanner, whose house is by the sea.” Corenelius obeyed and sent three men to find Peter. Just before the three men arrived at the house where Peter was staying, Peter saw a vision. The Scripture says, “He saw heaven opened and something like a large sheet being let down to earth by it’s four corners. It contained all kinds of four-footed animals, as well as reptiles and birds. Then a voice told him, “Get up, Peter. Kill and eat.” “Surely not, Lord!” Peter replied. “I have never eaten anything impure or unclean.” The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.” This happened three times, and immediately the sheet was taken back to heaven.”

It was right after that vision that the three men showed up at the house and told Peter about how Corenelius sent for Peter to come back to Joppa. Because God had told him to, Peter went. And when he got there he made a statement that reveals something important about those times. “You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew to associate with or visit a Gentile. But God has shown me that I should not call anyone impure or unclean.” Peter went on to share the gospel with all the people that gathered and he saw God mightily at work in these people. When he went back to Judea, his own people questioned Peter but when he explained how God worked, the people couldn’t argue him. In fact, in chapter 11 it says, “When they heard this, they had no further objections and praised God, saying, “So then, even to Gentiles God has granted repentance that leads to life.”

It was literally illegal for Peter, a Jew, to be associating with those people. He could have said no. He could have chosen the safe route and been driven by fear and judgement, but he was committed to really living what he preached every day. I wonder how many of you, like me, have come up with a list of people that you have rejected or judged or completely avoided because of fear or judgement. It may not be illegal to spend time with that “sinful woman” but you consider her a lost cause so you avoid her. You wouldn’t be rejected by your friends for inviting the “needy girl” to your party, but you’d rather not deal with her problems so you just leave her out of the invite list. You may not lose social status for saying hello to the strangers at the mall who are of “a different nationality”, but you are afraid to because the news tells you things about their culture and religious beliefs that make you fear them. Think of the sibling or parent or co-worker that just can’t seem to get out of that gross sexual sin pattern despite how much you’ve helped them. Do you think of them as “unclean?” Or maybe even “unworthy” of hearing that they too are forgiven and pure and considered white as snow in the eyes of our grace-filled God.

I don’t know what it might be for you. I don’t know what person or people group might come to mind. But I do know that we are no different now than the Jews were back then. We fall into the pit of judgement because our world demands us to. Every day we are bombarded with reason to fear and disassociate with those that are a threat to us in some way.

This is not Jesus’ way. There is no place setting or seat for judgement at the table of Jesus Christ. All are welcome. All are loved. All are made pure by the blood that was shed.

Skin color cannot separate us from the love of God.

Sin patterns cannot separate us from the love of God.

Social status cannot separate us from the love of God.

Ethnicity cannot separate us from the love of God.

Our level of neediness and brokenness cannot separate us from the love of God.

Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

God, please hear our heart’s cry out for forgiveness. We are a broken people living in a fallen world and we have succumb to the lie that there are people that are less worthy of your love. You came for all to know you. Forgive us for our ignorance. Forgive us for desiring our own safety and reputation and comfort more than desiring to love passionately and unbridled, as you love. Teach us to love deeper, to pull back our own black veil of judgement and adopt your perfect love that spreads to the ends of the earth. Show us where we’ve been replacing your gospel for our own gospel. Lead us in really living out what we preach every day, like Peter did. Create in us a pure heart that reflects your own. In the power of your holy, righteous name, Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

 

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"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love." Romans 8:38

 

 

Grace in the Form of a Citation

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

Ephesians 2:8-9

I felt a twinge in my stomach as I glanced toward my rear view mirror. Watching those blue and red lights flash violently, warning me to yield to the law and pull over, was not what I planned for my day.

Although this was not a familiar experience for me, as I watched the kind, round faced man walk towards my door, I knew what was coming. 

"Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" 

The gentle police officer proceeded to explain that I had rolled quite fast through the stop sign that I could still see in the reflection of my dirty side mirror. 

"I'm sorry. I believe you, I probably did. My three-year-old daughter was screaming when I came to that stop sign so I was a bit distracted."

He then went back to his vehicle and proceeded to do his job of checking my automobile insurance, driver's license and I assume several other reports to see if I had any kind of record. Praise God I didn't or my heart might have been beating a little faster.

With three small children sitting in the back seat spewing questions off like fireworks, you wouldn't think I'd feel alone, but I did. I had been wrong and I knew it just as plainly sitting in my mini van as I would if I was standing in a court room. I couldn't blame anyone else, I couldn't argue that it was someone else's fault. It seemed like a fair accusation and I was willing to pay the price. I prayed, "God, I know that kind officer is right. I was wrong. I deserve the ticket so I will humbly receive it and pay the consequences. It was no one else's wrong doing, but mine alone."

After that last sentence you you may be thinking I'm either crazy or don't have much backbone to stand up for myself, but the truth is that the more I grow in my faith walk with Jesus, the less concerned I am about defending myself. The world's message is always that we come first, we should fight for ourselves, we should defend ourselves and stand up for our pride. God's message has always been; repent and believe in love, grace and forgiveness. Never in the Bible will you find God telling us to make excuses for what we've done wrong. He's always commanding us to humble ourselves and truly repent of our sin, daily. 

While waiting for the police officer to come back I took the opportunity to reinforce (to my children) how thankful we must be for the law enforcement officers that keep us safe and desire to protect people. My little girls have grown a heart of thanksgiving toward police men and women because we have chosen to instill in them the importance of honoring and respecting those in authority. But sitting there talking with them, I thought to myself, do we have the same respect for God's authority and laws? We all know what sin is and that we shouldn't do sinful things but do we take up the same fear that we do when we break the law? That twinge in my stomach was because I knew I must have been wrong and I respected the law enough to feel the weight of it. That is the similar stomach-turning feeling we get when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin and calls us to repentance. The difference between breaking state law and God's law is that we have a choice to repent when we sin against God. You could run from the state of Minnesota for a short time but in the end you have no choice; you must pay what you owe them for breaking the law. God however, patiently waits for us to turn our hearts toward him and choose to live a life of repentance. 

Mr. officer came back with words that shocked me; I was not at all prepared to hear...

"You violated two other laws ma'am."

Oh my gosh, this is going to be bad, I thought. 

"I am going to let you off with a warning, but here is a citation that just states you need to prove you have current insurance, it's an easy fix."

Grace. That was pure grace. Sweet friends, that is what God's grace looks like. Our offenses pile up but still he comes to us with infinite grace. I was prepared to pay the price for my wrong doing just as we deserve to pay the price of our sin but instead we receive undeserved grace. 

After thanking him for both the unexpected grace and for working so hard, I drove away with tear filled eyes, in awe of this man's gift of grace. Almost immediately I sensed the Holy Spirit saying something to me that I think some of you may need to hear too....

"While the cross of Christ is the ultimate example of pure grace poured out for you, don't ever forget that you have the gift of living in that profound grace daily. I am with you. My cup of grace will never run dry. Not because you've earned it, but because I am so passionately in love with you."